TIFF Will Keep You BUFF

First, before I write anything else, I have to say that next year I might consider going into training for a few months leading up to TIFF. Cinephiles and celebrity stalkers alike could probably benefit from some simple training routines to build stamina, endurance and speed, because the ten days of TIFF are tantamount to an extreme workout, for both body and brain.

For those of you who think we moviegoers are out-of-shape, lazy, pathetic, popcorn-inhaling zombies without lives of our own, think again. Nothing could be further from the truth!

You need stamina just to get through the first round of the fight: the endless queuing up! And that's just to get your schedule, programme book and order form.

Once you have spent a few sleepless nights pouring over the synopses of 370+ films, you have to rush back to line up again, just to drop off your precious choices.

You spend a few more sleepless nights praying.

Once you have found out which of the films you did or did not nab, you line up again to make exchanges or redeem "unfulfilled" vouchers.

By this time, you are really, really tired.

And then the festival kicks off.

Glamour is clearly for the red carpet crowd only. True TIFF-ites are a rugged group of individuals, dressed for comfort, armed with bags, snacks, water, and looking frazzled, unwashed and bleary-eyed. And that after only Day Two.

But rugged is the key word here, because it requires strength of will and strong legs to stand in those lines day in, day out - day after day for 10 days.
(Not to mention patience, bottled water and sunglasses. Occasionally, an umbrella.)

It requires muscles and elbow power to get your seat - you know, that perfect seat where no large head will loom to block out your view of the screen and where you will be able to sit in unobstructed bliss for about two hours without having to hear wrappers being crumpled or popcorn being munched.

It requires Olympic-athlete speed so that at a drop of a hat you will be able to sprint entire city blocks just to get to your next screening on time if the Q & A session happens to go longer than planned or the screening you were at was delayed.

You need to be able to whizz across town like a big-screen super hero because more often than not Toronto's midday traffic slows cabs, buses and cars to the speed of sludge. The subway or a good pair of shoes are your best bet. (Although I have been known to do this in high heels with remarkable results. Anyone on Victoria Street last Monday the 14th around 4:55 pm can vouch for that. I made it to the Winter Garden in time, thank you very much, and still had time to wave at Bono, Edge, Colin Farrell and Neil Jordan.)

Finally, the TIFF endurance workout requires the suppression of bodily functions and desires until you can find (a) a bathroom (b) Starbucks (c) a clean bathroom (d)another Starbucks (e) water (f) food. Any food. Anything. Crumbs start to look good.

So now that TIFF is over and I finally have a chance to take more than a passing glance in the mirror, I must say ... I'm impressed. Lookin' hot! I swear I've shed a bit of excess flab accumulated over the past year of sofa-entrenched DVD viewing. I feel fit, fine and ready for ...

but sadly, I have to wait until the TIFF Fall Games 2010.

I have, therefore, come to the conclusion that I want to look this good BEFORE the Fest opens next year. I figure that come May or June, I might get a gym membership. You know, do a little kick boxing, maybe some martial arts, some aerobics, get on a treadmill or two...

Because you can never be too fit for TIFF.